THOGHTS ON LEAVING

(warning: No funny stories in this entry. If you want to read a funny story, skip to the bit about setting your head on fire.)

In a few days i will be hopping on a plane and flying away from the place of my birth. I am happy to be going. This place will always be special to me, but my visit has been longer than i expected and it feels like it is already past time to leave.

Since comeing here i have developed an odd compusion to check my e-mail, not every few days like usual, but every couple hours. I pace tirelessly, accomplish little, and brood about the past. The thing is, i am not all that anxious about this specific trip. Nothing will come up that i can not handle.

My whole life i have felt restless but now it is my whole occupation. My whole life i have been semiconciously waiting for... something, but i have no idea what it might be, or if it will ever happen.

Waiting for the right girl,
or some purpose to bend my back to,
for life to start
waiting for Godot.

"And so we construct and infinate cost to ourselves these magonot lines, against and enemy that never attacks that way. If he ever attacks at all. If he is indeed even the enemy"... or something like that.

Excercise and meditation can help bring me back into the present, but lately it has been more difficult than usual. I am dissatisfied, frustrated. Waiting. What the fuck am i doing?

Madness peeks out from the dark corners of the mind. I do not fear it, but i do not welcome the battle either. It makes its presence known again now, but it never quite gains control. It tries to weaken me by sewing the seeds of inadiquacy and fear.

No one will ever really love you.
You will never belong anywhere.
Your "friends" will always turn their backs when you really need them.

The same old bullshit. I dont really belive it most of the time. I try not to think about it too much. It can be hard not too.

This stuff dosen't have much time to gnaw at me when i am making progress tward my goals. Motivation is a suprisingly good antidote to madness.

I some areas progress has been slower than i would like. Perhaps even nonexistent. The lack i have been feeling most is that there is no girl in my life. I know it isn't really the case, but sometimes i feel like everyone I know has someone except for me. It has been hard to find a good fit.

Patience brother, patience.

You can not rush this sort of thing.

perhaps i will meet someone new in Utah. Perhaps not. It shouldn't bother me this much, should it? I ought to be used to being alone.

I need to cheer up. I need to get outside. I need to go somewhere new. It is time.